soooo tired

i wus advertising a lot; not that it did help, or do much good, and working hard to get my pages going; i did do a friends page aswell ( and a few others too) and now i am soooooo freaking tired- i only want the simple things; hanging round, posting something, taking a picture, writing a poem… but what i am doing now is hard work! have to keep myself informed; checking this and that; asking people for atention, for a view, socialising, networking, bookkeeping, taking wins & losses, at the same time getting myself to create something again; music, paint, photo; etc… friends asking; what are you doing? (bit anoying) working hard on myself; trying to get more work done and getting more stable at the same time; this realy fucks me up; i have had enough now…

i will keep to my plan; hey i am doing the best i can! after all i am only human too… and i have a lot of off-days! if nescessary i will break myself free….  i will claim my life again; this is my life; my goals, what i want to do, and what i can do; i am no superman… it is supposed to work for me, not against me!

ah well, a few successes; somewhere around 1900 folowers; that’s nice; close to 100 visitors dayly on and my other sites and blogs doing well enough… not even close to this one, but i never intented them to be…

now for a few weeks of rest and working out; i want to amuse myself wiht my posts; this has got to be; otherwise the effort is realy too much…

thinking; when did i start this crazy train? i wus getting better, years and years ago; and i wanted more and more; and i won a lot, lost a couple; must have been almost 30 years ago; far i have come! but now i am hitting a brick wall; not much to winn anymore; at least not on short term… as i have said before; now i will have to accept what i can’t change…

still i might be the happiest person on earth (or i should say might become; i am still working on it; though happyness isn’t a goal by itself, to me…) i have known hard times; and i got through, i even won eventualy…

this is how messed up i am; i posted this as a page; gheghegheghe; ah well, i fixed it; now as for tags; lets see….



update: best advertising i ever had was advertising myself, with postcards on flyerpaper, presenting myself and my art, while engaging in (mostly) interesting conversations….

quite a fuss…

it has been quite a fuss, down here, my dad had an attack and was in the hospital for a week, then recovering, getting his speech back among other things; nowadays, there is more for me to do, got to lend a hand, and that is ok by me, that is… if i can get my own things done aswel… lots of misunderstanding… i hope it will get better… after all i am only human…and i am troubled too…

hope i can find the time to go to gallery nasty alice again… a good way to ease and distract my mind (make some photo’s; cus i am still learning….)

now i have been sober for a week (figuring… is it ok? should i do less, more? 1 beer in a week…that isn’t much, is it?) my body is having trouble with alcohol, a few beers is ok but it is realy wrecking me… again i am thinking about not drinking at all… but then, nothing, realy nothing? it still seems like a bridge too far…

after two and a half year of being a non smoker, i still have those moments i realy crave for a cigarette… awhile ago it was quite horror again, still fighting it…ghegheghe, but now more positive about it

breaking my other habits is coming aloong nicely, a little trouble sometimes, but it is ok, though i am gaining weight again (not good, pfff…) where the fuck is that coming from? working harder, and harder, and eating better and better, no fat, no Sugar… pffff…..(i guess i will be ok, but actualy i hoped for some weight-loss by now….)

i have been looking up some old stuff lately, giving most of it away, but strolling down memorylane too, and it is nice to be helpfull…

oh, i think there is some more work waiting for me, gotta go now, you behave, you hear!


hi there, hello!!

i haven’t been well at all for quite some time, but things are looking up again, or at least i am not that depressed anymore; still lonely, but hey…welkome to the real world or something… it isn’t all a bed of roses, have i got news to tell you? not much… i wus practissing my quena flute; i have been for quite some time, biggest part of a year, i guess, but what i mean is, only recently i am beginning to play music with it (oh, joy, oh, joy) you can actually expect me to reccord a few new melodees and post them here on my! i have also been practissing my guitar, i wish to reccord and post an updated version of “droevig liedje” wich is one of my favorites…

i am still fighting off depression; life has been quite hard on me; but i am letting the Sunshine in, i try to enjoy myself; going out, visiting freinds, that sort of thing

weight is doing ok, body is doing ok too, still facing my almost-addictions; like Sugar, but i am letting it hang loose for awhile, take what i have accomplished, and more or less consolidate (if that is the right word); sometimes i am spinning to hard because of what i am trying to do; that’s not ok; working on my health is ok, attempting at it too hard is not… that’s like inviting failure (ghegheghe)

this new version of is getting more fun; gotta be careful too, lately i am nearly getting too much visits, it is nice, but i wory…it is realy a bit overwhealming sometimes; gotta deal with that too (gheghe) (luxury-problems)

as y’all know i have stopped smoking; i can realy reccomend e-cigaret whitout nicotine, to get through the worst…i am free now…and glad to be…. (not smoking, nore e-smoking anymore; freeeeeeeeeeeehhh!!!!)

thanks for sharing these moments with me, as for now, i am returning to my quena flutes, practisse some more; lots of love

signing off,



never thought

never thought that i would ever be able to write a propper essay, or even a story, nowadays actualy it comes quite easy, even in english; though i am not a native speaker; but one doesn’t have to follow rules; rules are guidelines, there is no reason to obey (i uncovered that when i wus still writing poetry) (i can only write poetry in dutch, by the way…)

the last couple of essays (in dutch; on broeder reepken zegt ) had me quite content (i figured that only a few moments ago; but it is true; my writing seems to be developing into something totaly new for me; i am actualy getting better at this).

i hope tomorow i wil be able to go to the market, and take some pictures too (me drinking one beer; half of what i allow myself in one week; and yes! i have grown into that too…)

this week an apointment with my shrink might be schedgualed, she was urging me already a year ago, that i might try using less medicine, i wus reluctant then; well i hoped i could, but i thought i wusn’t ready; after my accomplishments last couple of years, i do feel ready; i get huge amounts of stressing things, experiences; but nowadays i manege, it seems that stopping smoking has gotten me more sensitive on the one hand, but also more flexible on the other; that is, a lot more flexible; a nice pize to win for me, being able to take less pills!!! yeah!!!

stopping smoking itself was sheer horror, for almost two years, but now i don’t crave anymore; i am almost completely free…

so i hope i can go to the market; see life where it is going on, happening; my that is an akward sentence; or isn’t it?

see you again tomorow?